Queer and Neurodivergent: What Affirming Therapy Can Look Like
Updated: Sep 5
Being queer and neurodivergent can shape how you experience relationships, identity, communication, sensory environments, expectations, and the way other people respond to you.
Those experiences don't happen separately.
Maybe you've wondered whether you're masking because you're neurodivergent, queer, or both. Maybe you've spent a lot of time figuring out which parts of yourself feel safe to show around different people. You might be exploring gender or sexuality at the same time you're beginning to understand yourself through an ADHD or autistic lens.
And you shouldn't have to spend half of therapy explaining all of that before you can talk about what actually brought you there.
Queer and Neurodivergent Identities Can Overlap in Complicated Ways
There isn't one way to be queer or neurodivergent. For some people, understanding their neurodivergence changes the way they think about identity, relationships, communication, or gender. For others, exploring their gender or sexuality brings up questions about masking and expectations they've learned to follow.
You might also be navigating chronic illness or pain, grief, family relationships, school, work, dating, friendships, or everyday demands alongside all of this.
Therapy doesn't need to determine which identity or experience is the "real" reason something feels difficult. Sometimes several things can be true at the same time.
What Does Queer- and Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapy Mean?
Affirming therapy should involve more than a therapist saying they're LGBTQ+ friendly or familiar with ADHD and autism. It can mean having room to talk about your experiences without your identity automatically being treated as a problem.
It might also mean:
having your name and pronouns respected
communicating in ways that work for you
talking openly about masking
making room for sensory and accessibility needs
exploring gender or sexuality without assuming where that exploration should lead
looking at how relationships, family, school, work, healthcare, and social expectations affect you
being able to ask for clarification or say when something isn't working
adapting therapy when sitting and talking isn't the most useful way for you to communicate
You also don't need a formal neurodivergent diagnosis to talk about these experiences in therapy.
"Genuine affirming care is trauma-informed, consent-based, and intersectional. It holds that mental health cannot be separated from systems of oppression or from the ways race, gender, class, disability, and sexuality intersect." - Advocate.com
Masking Can Show Up in More Than One Part of Your Life
Masking is often discussed in relation to neurodivergence, but queer people can also become very familiar with monitoring how they speak, dress, move, relate to others, or talk about themselves depending on the environment.
If you're both queer and neurodivergent, those experiences can overlap.
You might find yourself wondering: How much of myself is okay to show here? Am I doing this because I want to or because I've learned I'm supposed to? Why am I so exhausted after being around people? What actually feels comfortable to me?
Therapy can give you somewhere to get curious about those questions without deciding in advance what the answers are supposed to be.
Therapy Can Be Flexible, Too
Neurodivergent-affirming therapy doesn't require you to become better at doing therapy the "normal" way. Some people like structure and knowing what to expect. Others need more flexibility. You might want time to think before answering a question, prefer direct communication, need to move during a session, or find it easier to communicate through an image or metaphor than an immediate verbal answer.
In my practice, therapy can include conversation alongside expressive arts, mindfulness, body-based practices, or practical skills depending on what feels useful. You don't have to make art, maintain eye contact, sit perfectly still, or arrive with a carefully organized list of things to talk about.
Finding a Queer- and Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapist
A directory checkbox can be a useful starting point, but it doesn't tell you everything about what working with someone will actually feel like.
When you're looking for a therapist, you might ask:
How do you adapt therapy for neurodivergent clients?
Do I need a formal diagnosis to work with you?
How do you approach conversations about gender and sexuality?
What happens if I don't know what I want to talk about that day?
Can sessions include movement or creative approaches?
What accessibility options are available?
How much structure can I expect during sessions?
A consultation can also be a chance to notice whether you feel comfortable asking questions. You don't need to tell a therapist your entire story during an introductory call to determine whether you'd like to continue.
Queer- and Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapy in Toronto & Ontario
I'm Savannah Dasilva, a queer, AuDHD Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and expressive arts therapist in Toronto. I work with queer and neurodivergent children, teens, and adults navigating experiences including masking, burnout, relationships, identity, anxiety, stress, grief, chronic illness and pain, and everyday demands.
Shared identities don't mean shared experiences, and I won't assume that my experience tells me what yours means. You can learn more about my approach to Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapy and Queer-Affirming Therapy, or start with a free 20-minute consultation if you're wondering whether we might be a good fit.
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